Monday - Friday
Sometimes Weekends
 
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: Of course I can. Out of all the men in our neighborhood you have the biggest package.
Mon. Feb. 8, 2010
Your Brain is pre-programmed
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! Your Brain is pre-programmed and their is nothing you can do about it
So send it on and Frustrate your Friends
Fri. Feb. 5, 2010
Letter to Pets
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs an d cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
Big thanks to June Winkler for sharing this one
Thurs. Feb. 4, 2010
"The Lie Detector Robot"
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that was actually a lie detector.
About 5:30 that afternoon Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?" they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," Tommy answered. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really went after school," John demanded.
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," Tommy quickly answered.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
'I'm ashamed of you, Son,' said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot went to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent over, laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad at Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot immediately walked to Marsha, and slapped her three times!
Wed. Feb. 3, 2010
Jewish Haiku
Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child is an internist.
On Passover we opened the door for Elijah.
Now our dog is gone.
After the warm rain, the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
Her lips near my ear, Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.
Today I am a man
Tomorrow I will return to the seventh grade.
Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs softly
But her son is forty.
Like a bonsai tree is your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun, hard sucking candies.
The same kimono the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.
The shivah visit:
So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
Mom, please! There is no need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.
Sorry I'm not home to take your call.
At the tone please state your bad news.
Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done?
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz
Five-day forecast: feh
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!
Quietly murmured at Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
A lovely nose ring, excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.
Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or male-pattern baldness.
Jewish Buddhism:
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others
The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the
least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a
symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.
Tues. Feb. 2, 2010
Healthcare
The joke is on US
Let me get this straight. The 'health care plan' was written by a committee whose Chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress which didn't read it, signed by a President who smokes, funded by a Treasury Chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a Surgeon General who is obese, and financed by a country that is broke. What could possibly go wrong?
Mon. Feb. 1, 2010
Check out
Friars Club Joke Books
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