Monday - Friday
Sometimes Weekends

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

1.   My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.   I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.   Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.   I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.   Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.   You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.   Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.   Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.   I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Wed.  Mar. 10, 2010

An oldie

"Two Weeks"

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

Tues.  Mar. 9, 2010

Fellow Friar John DeMarco did a show last week and told this great story.

While walking through fairway supermarket last week, I started following a grand father with his grandson. 

The grandson was a tyrant and was screaming in every isle.

I want these candies, I want this and I want that and at one point the granddad said, listen Michael relax, we will be out of here in 20 minutes

I still followed and could not believe how patient he was with the badly behaved child.. Always saying,  it is ok Michael, we will be out of here soon.

At the register the child was at his worst throwing groceries out of the cart. At this point the granddad gave a strong gripe on the child’s shoulder and said again.
Michael you have reached your limit and you will out here in 5 minutes.

I finally commented to the granddad stating that when my son was that age and acted like that i would have been wild . All you keep saying was things like, don't worry Michael you will be home soon.. That must take a lot of willpower.

Michael is my name the little pain in the ass's name is Steven.

If you would like to know more about this fabulous entertainer check out http://www.johndemarcoentertainment.com/

Mon.  Mar. 8, 2010

Conclusion

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 percent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US , than you are in Iraq .
Conclusion: ....... The US should pull out of Washington

Fri.  Mar. 5, 2010

Marketing for Lawyers

A woman walks into a post office one day and sees a man standing at the counter placing "Love" stamps on a large number of bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The woman's curiosity gets the best of her, so she goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess who?'."

"Why?" asks the woman.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Thurs.  Mar. 4, 2010

And a big
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SS

Virginity Test Kit

Michael was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a "Do It Yourself" shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'

Michael asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'

Wed.  Mar. 3, 2010

Customer Service

Dear madam:

Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys shop.

You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display.

Please select another item because that is our fire extinguisher.

Tues.  Mar. 2, 2010

The Black Bra
(as told to me by a Lady Friar)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes... When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Mon.  Mar. 1, 2010

A newly married young blond decided to take a vacation on a cruise ship while her new husband was attending a business conference for a week,and keep a journal of her trip to share with her husband when she returned home.

On the first night as she dined alone,the ship's captain approached her and invited her to have dinner with him in his cabin where the food was of a much higher quality.She accepted the invitation and was soon dining on champagne and caviar,Chilean Sea Bass and Chocolate truffle mouse.The captain invited her to stay the night with him, as his cabin was much nicer than hers.but she politely declined ,explaining that she wanted to be faithul to her new husband.She went back to her room and recorded the events in her journal.

The following night ,the captain,again invited the young blond bride to dine with him in his private cabin.Again,she gladly accepted his invitation and,again found herself dining in the finest of fashion and sipping the most expensive french champagne and wine that money could buy,The captain ,again, invited the young bride to stay the night in his quarters,but ,again,she politely declined,citing her desire to be faithul to her new husband.She returned to her cabin and recorded the events into her journal.

The next night ,the events of the previous two evenings repeated themselves,and after eating an exquisite meal of escargot, fresh sturffed lobster,and creme bruele',she found herself laughing with the captain over several very strong after dinner drinks.This time ,the captain became aggresive and started to make advances on the buxum young bride and told her that i she did not spend the night with him in his cabin,that he would sink the ship with all 6500 passengers on board. She was shocked.

The following day her journal entry read-"Last night I saved the lives of all 6500 people onboard...TWICE !

Fri.  Feb. 26, 2010

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