Monday - Friday
Sometimes Weekends

PRAYER FOR DADDY
This is just too beautiful not to share.

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Daddy's computer.
....... Amen.

Fri. July 30, 2010

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked and one of he most wicked.!

They played a game called BRIDGE, and the other night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you got."

Another man said, "I've got the strength but not much length." and then another man says to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick." I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, "You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn't even have the strength for one good raise".

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine".

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we can go home now. This is our last rubber!"

Thurs. July 29, 2010

The Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated withgrease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't wantto be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Wed. July 28, 2010

Got That Wrong

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.

St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

The Pope says, "Why? What did I possibly do wrong while on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

The Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious."

Tues. July 27, 2010

New Law affecting those in their 50's and older

Due to the financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Mon. July 26, 2010

In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...

Old world charm = No bath

Tropical = Rainy

Majestic setting = A long way from town

Options galore = Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway = Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms = Already occupied

Explore on your own = Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts = They've flown in an airplane before

Fri. July 23, 2010

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous.. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Thurs. July 22, 2010

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson.

Be very sure you only get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'

Have a nice day and try to remember, there is always someone else with a job that is worse than yours!

Wed. July 21, 2010

Bad - Worse
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the striper

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's ten

Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Worse: He's the star of it.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbours.
Worse: All of them.

Tues. July 20, 2010

"International Relationships"

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded.

• Two Italian men and one Italian woman
• Two French men and one French woman
• Two German men and one German woman
• Two Greek men and one Greek woman
• Two English men and one English woman
• Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
• Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
• Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
• Two Irish men and one Irish woman
• Two American men and one American woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

• One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

• The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in Ménage à Trois .

• The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

• The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

• The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

• The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

• The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

• The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy-liquor- store-restaurant-laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

• The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English are not having any fun.

• The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about:

• Her body
• The true nature of feminism
• What the sun is doing to her skin
• How she can do anything that they can do
• The necessity of fulfillment
• The equal division of household chores
• How sand and palm trees make her look fat
• How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do
• How her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems
• Why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this lord-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
  

Mon. July 19, 2010

Jill, a young blonde was taking her first airplane flight. About one hour into the flight the pilot announced over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen minutes late arriving."

Jill, continued to read her "Glamour" magazine. About 30 miniutes later the pilot came on the intercom again and said, "There is a second engine out, we will be about thirty miniutes late."

The Blonde passenger, looked up a bit concerned but returned to reading her magazine. Fifteen minutes after that the pilot once again came on the intercom and said, "I'm sorry to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be about one hour late arriving at our destination."

Blonde Jill turned to the man sitting next to her and said, "Boy if that forth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."

Fri. July 16, 2010

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck. The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

Thurs. July 15, 2010

An attorney I can admire...

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. Ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?" .......The loan was approved.

Wed. July 14, 2010

Praying for Bubba

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher said.

Bubba gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Bubba, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Bubba replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Bubba; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Bubba, how is your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

Tues. July 13, 2010

"Honey, I feel like making love tonight."

"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"

Mon. July 12, 2010

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Fri. July 9, 2010

From the Blonde files
#976 of 345,000

Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on! '

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money...

Thurs. July 8, 2010

The Writer

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.

"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

Wed. July 7, 2010

Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible. The Pharaoh won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, and so on, and so on, and so on... He's so depressed about it all, he's almost ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "YOU, MOSES, HEED ME. I HAVE GOOD NEWS, AND BAD NEWS."

Moses is staggered. The voice continues: "YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL FROM BONDAGE. IF THE PHARAOH REFUSES TO RELEASE YOUR BONDS I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A RAIN OF FROGS."

"YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL TO THE PROMISED LAND. IF THE PHARAOH BLOCKS YOUR WAY I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS.

YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE TO FREEDOM AND SAFETY. IF THE PHARAOH'S ARMY PURSUES YOU, I WILL PART THE WATERS OF THE RED SEA TO OPEN YOUR PATH TO THE PROMISED LAND."

Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! -- but... but... but what's the bad news?"

"YOU, MOSES, MUST WRITE THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STATEMENT."

Tues. July 6, 2010

A Happy 4th of July Holiday
from All the Friars

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses .....until they stop running.

2. Strike while the ...........bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before .......Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ......termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but .......How?

6. Don't bite the hand that .....Looks dirty.

7. No news is .......impossible

8. A miss is as good as a ........Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ........Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ....Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the .......pigs..

13. An idle mind is ....the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ......pollution.

15. Happy the bride who ....gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is .......not much.

17. Two's company, three's .....the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .....you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ......You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as .....Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ......spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed .....get new batteries..

23. You get out of something only what you .......See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind .....get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand .....is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than .....Pregnant

Fri. July 2, 2010

Moving Day

One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."

Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Can you tell me which way it went?"

She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

Thurs. July 1, 2010

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