Friars Club

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband
..............For example

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once there's no movement under the covers, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Thurs. Feb. 16, 2012

Living in the South changes the way you think.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does

this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.

Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

This is all so confusing!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!' 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. A veteran taxi driver, of over 30 years, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you,

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said, "Well, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?".

My boss phoned me today.
...............He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

"Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

Analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think.

- For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice derriere but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

- The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.

- For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman - with a nice tush - on her way to work.

- The perverts among them will imagine her naked.

- Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it.

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

- The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse

- Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's curves will cause by the time she reaches 50.

- But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine, some rope, leather gear, etc.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

A paraprosdokian sentence consists of two parts where the first is a figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first. They're used typically for humorous or dramatic effect.

1. Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
4. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public and around others.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
8. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
9. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
10. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
11. Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad or selective memory.
13. You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
14. The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
15. Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
16. I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.
17. Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
18. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Thurs Jan26, 2012

Study these 3 photos closely, then read
the message at the bottom.

It will explain a lot of things...

THIS IS INDIA ...

IT'S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU
HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM
WITH YOUR COMPUTER...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. .......Show me what you bought.'

Tues . Jan. 24, 2012

The latest Kinsey Report reveals that Americans are woefully ignorant of the basic facts of life. The majority, for example, know where babies come from, but fewer than 20 % apparently know how they get there. Even worse,
36 % believe that bondage is something you wrap around a cut finger. And no fewer than 44 % reason that being into leather means working as a shoemaker.

The following quiz is designed to measure the smut level of the public:

The following quiz is designed to measure
the smut level of the public:

"Sex Quiz"

1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. children under 10

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs NFC championship

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. Who owns this pussy?

18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over

No I will not supply the correct answers

If you feel, about your bank, the same as I do,
........ feel free to use the letter below

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my Internet Service Provider last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the Automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2012, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank as become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated Voice.

By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for."

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost -- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.